


Say You Love Me Too

by Aeslehx



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Multi, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-07 14:23:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4266537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeslehx/pseuds/Aeslehx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Although Mikasa seems strong, she has already been through more than people twice her age. After seeing her parents murdered in front of her eyes as a child, Mikasa lived in the military orphanage under the premise that she would enlist once she was of age.</p>
<p>Her only motivation in eking out this cruel existence is the memory of a boy with dark hair and green eyes, who saved Mikasa from her parent's murderers. Mikasa still wears the red scarf he gave her, hoping that one day, she will meet him again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Say You Love Me Too

Mikasa opened her eyes on her 13th birthday to an unwelcoming sight. The matron was standing at the foot of her bed, an official-looking piece of paper clutched in her right hand. The paper was stiff and cream colored; Mikasa could just make out the military wax seal under the dim and dusty light filtering in through the orphanage's high windows.

"Get up, 'Kasa. You're already late." The matron's voice trembled a little. Mikasa swung her feet onto the cold, concrete floor. When she had first arrived at the orphanage, her feet had barely brushed the bottom of the bed. Now, her legs made their familiar way to her wardrobe, and she slung her bag over her shoulder. When she turned to face the matron, the older woman was in tears. "I'm so sorry, 'Kasa. So, so sorry. It's just not fair, sending off children to the military..."

The matron's words trailed off as fresh tears made their way down her cheeks. The salty droplets rolled down her face and clung to her chin, almost as if they were afraid to fall. The matron bustled over and swooped Mikasa up into a final embrace. Mikasa tenderly hugged the matron, squeezing her ample waist. For a few seconds, the younger girl lent comfort to the older. Mikasa wasn't afraid of joining the military, the rumoured back-breaking training, or even of eventually being sent to fight the titans. A boy's voice in her head: "The world is a callous and merciless place." Mikasa was nothing more than just another pawn in the chess game between Life and Death. This had been Mikasa's fate since she had been sent to the military orphanage to live, all those years ago. In exchange for free food and shelter, children who were left at the orphanage signed their life to military service once they turned 13 years of age. After 2 years of tactical training, they would be posted to the Garrison, Military Police Brigade, or...the Survey Corps.

Mikasa sat with 5 other children in the cart, pulled by the pair of military officers on their horses. The mood was downcast and gloomy, even the skies were gray with impending rain. Two of the children from another orphanage whispered quietly to each other.

"Do you think we'll have to join the Survey Corps?"  
"That's the same as asking us to die."  
"Isn't that the fate of poor orphans like us?"

Mikasa tuned the boys out, turning her eyes to the passing buildings and homes. If she concentrated, she could hear the voices of the people inside, just faintly. There was a baby gurgling in the small cottage on the left, the mother cooing gently to it. In the bar on the right, a bunch of men let out deep guffaws. These were the people she was going to protect, even if it cost her life. After all, her life was already forfeit that day the kidnappers had come, if not for the Boy. Mikasa snuggled a little deeper into the red scarf wrapped around her neck, and allowed herself to hope. So many years ago, while they were waiting outside the abandoned house for the boy's father to find them, the Boy had said that he would join the Survey Corps. That he wanted to see the world outside, and kill the Titans. She'd forgotten his name, or his father's, in fact many things about that night were blurry in her memory. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, the doctor had said. But, two things stood out in her mind when she thought of that night- the Boy's voice telling her to fight, and his voice saying that he wanted to see the world. Even after all this time, his youthful wonder shone through in his words.

It was Mikasa's only motivation to keep living in this cruel world. One where Titans killed mercilessly and ruthlessly, and humans turned on themselves. Mikasa didn't mind dying beyond the wall, eaten by a Titan, if she could see the Boy again.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time the children reached the Training Corps grounds, they were thoroughly drenched from the heavy downpour. The military escorts had kept silent as the first raindrops landed, and they plodded on silently as it slowly increased into a torrent. The children's complaining and whining too, had ceased, as the discomfort of wet shoes gave way to the freezing cold. The water seemed to seep through their clothes into their very bones, exposing them to the chilling wind.

Mikasa stood in the shaking cart, and looked at the resigned faces of the children around her. A small girl shivered violently at the corner of the cart, wearing only a tattered shirt and shorts. "Come on, we'll be warmer if we sit close together." Mikasa surprised herself by speaking. The children huddled together, and Mikasa leaned close to the shaking girl. For 13 years, she was grossly thin and not very tall. Even among the military orphanages, some districts were less charitable to the leftover unwanted scum of their society.

As it often did when the orphanage was short on food and Mikasa had to go hungry, or when she was shivering in the winter for having lent her blanket to a younger child, Mikasa's mind shut out the pain and turned to the Boy. It was, after all, the only way to live in this callous and merciless world. Mikasa often felt guilty when thinking of that night, because all she remembered clearly was the Boy. Not her own parents, who gave their lives for her, but him. She saw again her father's body taking an eternity to hit the ground. Her mother turning and shouting something at Mikasa, but her words not making sense. Then, him. 

The Boy rushing into the room, the feel of his hands untying the ropes.  
His face as he stabbed the kidnapper.  
The look in his eyes as he asked her to fight, to win, to live.

In the end, only the victors are allowed to live. Mikasa would live, no matter what, so that she could meet the Boy again and finally learn his name. He'd see her scarf and remember the moment when he'd given it to her as fondly as she did. They would see the world beyond the Walls together, as he always wanted to do. Mikasa didn't let herself think of how she would live if she never found the Boy. She had passed the intervening years at the orphanage clinging to this hope so fervently, that it was impossible for it not to come true. Despite all the pain that Mikasa had endured in the Pandora's box of her life, she could continue living if she clung to Hope.

The world is a callous and merciless place.


	3. Chapter 3

The cart rumbled to a stop outside a large compound dominated by a bare training field. The military escorts silently appeared in front of the children, their hoods shadowing their faces. Although the rain had abated, their cloaks gleamed with the aftermath of the rain. The impact of the downpour was much more pronounced in the children; the girl Mikasa had sat next to could barely stand from the shivers wracking her body. As the children filed out of the cart, Mikasa was surprised to see two of the 'children' towering over the rest. Their height had been deceptively concealed while they were all seated, but as they unfolded their long legs, it was obvious that they couldn't be 13 years old.

Mikasa's heart skipped a beat. It was an uncomfortable feeling, like she'd held her breath for too long and come close to fainting. Her fingers tingled, like she'd relieved the pressure on a dead arm after too long. Of the two boys, one was blond and the other had dark brown hair...and green eyes.

Mikasa struggled with the feeling of unbearable anxiety and uncontrollable, soaring hope as they made their way through the compound to a low, roofed building with wooden walls. Could it be him? Mikasa struggled to stamp down the increasingly desperate hope growing in her chest, as if she was calming herself before looking at the results of a test she knew she had not studied properly for. On one hand, the tall boy seemed to resemble the Boy in her memories, strong and muscular, with dark hair and those large emerald eyes. On the other, he seemed much older than Mikasa, and she knew for sure that the Boy hadn't been an orphan. What were two boys patently over 13 doing on the cart anyway? Mikasa's confusion resolved into a plan: she would ask the boy where he was from, and how he had gotten to be on the cart. It would be alright, it always was. The orphanage had a sort of informal school where the matrons taught basic literacy and numeracy skills, and a yearly examination to determine if the students proceeded on to the next series of classes or repeated the same year again. When Mikasa turned the page to see her mark, she knew that whether she passed or failed, life at the orphanage would continue as usual for another year, until she became of age. The finality of that thought, and that the score on the paper did not make any difference to Mikasa's life, always soothed her irrational feelings of distress. Still, Mikasa always surprised herself by doing exceptionally well, even on tests she knew she had not prepared fully for.

Supporting the weight of the girl, whose trembling had diminished somewhat, Mikasa approached the two boys. "Could you help me with her? It's a long walk and I don't think I can support her all the way." It was a half-truth; although Mikasa was more than strong enough to even carry the girl on her back, she didn't fancy the idea of dragging the girl to wherever the military escorts were taking them. The compound was even bigger on the inside than she had expected, and the pair of military officers set an unforgiving pace. The blond boy responded first, "sure," but it was the dark-haird boy who slung the girl's frail arms over his shoulders and lifted her easily. He carried her as one might a bride...or a baby. There was a tender look in his eyes as he smiled vaguely at the girl in his arms before pressing on.

After a while, the blond boy spoke again. "...That was good of you, to help her like that. I'd thought that no one cared for others anymore." Just as Mikasa thought, his voice was deep and rumbling; he couldn't be younger than 15. Before Mikasa could reply, the other boy laughed carelessly, "And I'm included in that list of people who don't care for others, Reiner? You wound me." The two boys laughed, but Mikasa couldn't help herself anymore. "Are you two orphans as well?"

Silence fell immediately, like a smothering blanket. The stark contrast with the light-hearted banter just a few moments before shocked Mikasa. "We'd prefer not to talk about the past," the boy named Reiner said heavily. "I didn't mean it like that! I'm so sorry." Mikasa quickly explained about the military orphanages and how the orphans were picked up within a few days of their 13th birthday to be sent for training. "I thought it was strange that there were as many as 6 of us with the same birthday, but you two don't seem to be from around here," she finished apologetically.

The dark-haired boy gave another easy smile; he seemed to be much more trusting than his counterpart. "We're from a place beyond the Walls, and there are no military orphanages there." Mikasa burned to ask what it was like outside the Walls, but she sensed she had already solicited enough from them for the day. She smiled in return, "Well it's nice to meet you, I'm Mikasa." If they were from beyond the Walls, it was unlikely that he was the Boy she remembered. But, whether he turned out to be the Boy or not, Mikasa was glad to make such a friend. One who was gentle and willing to help a young girl in trouble, much like Mikasa had been, once. She was beginning to feel that, outside of the orphanage, life was full of tests she was not fully prepared for, and she simply had to accept whatever result was on the back of the page.

"I'm Reiner, and this is..."  
"Bertolt. Nice to meet you too, Mikasa-chan."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter explores the changes in Mikasa and how she has matured enough to handle the similar situations of assimilating into a new (and scary) environment. Just trying out a new style of writing, the words in italics are Mikasa when she was first put into the orphanage, and the rest is Mikasa in the present, joining the military:)

_Mikasa was exhausted. Not in the ordinary sense, but from the emotional torture of knowing that she would never see her parents' smiling faces again. Their lives with her had been stunted; she would never be able to share with them her joys and sorrows, her birthdays, her new friends. Mikasa privately wondered if she felt devastated only because her parents had provided her with everything, and their deaths meant the lost of comfort and security. Could it be that what she mourned was not her parents in themselves, but the life she had, living under their wing? The circle of depression, questioning her own grief, and guilt saw Mikasa spiral into an almost catatonic state. The matrons whispered among themselves that the new girl wouldn't last another week, wouldn't it be better to give her food to someone who had a better chance of surviving?_

 

Mikasa was exhausted. Although her step was heavy from a day of riding in the bumpy cart, her heart was lifted with the prospects of a new life, and the new people she had already met. Despite the tough training in the military, at the very least, she would never have to go hungry again. Since they were the only hope at defeating the titans, the military was the recipient of generous amounts of money and had significant influence in the government. As long as Mikasa worked hard to earn her place there, she could be assured of a hot meal every night.

 

_Mikasa stood at the foot of a bunk bed in a dank and dimly lit room. The matron fussed over her damp hair with a brush, clucking away at how Mikasa had neglected to even dry herself properly after a half-hearted bath. Mikasa could barely afford to care that she was worrying the matron, or that she would catch a cold if she carried on this way, she had to dry herself properly, and was she even listening? The matron finally admitted a temporary defeat to the silent wisp of a girl in front of her, and left the room. Among the cramped quarters, Mikasa could see the belongings of the other orphans neatly placed at the foot of their beds. Some had bits of rags tied into something resembling a doll, others had a photograph or some other remnant of home. Mikasa's own bed was empty except for a tattered dress handed down from someone who had already been recruited to the military._

 

The army barracks were well-lit, but even more cramped and cluttered than the orphanage, if it was possible. Mikasa chatted with the girl she had made friends with as they each chose an empty bunk bed near each other. It turned out that her name was Krista, and she wasn't an orphan. Her parents had had too many mouths too feed, and sent their daughter who wasn't strong enough to be of help to the military. It was difficult to find empty bunks, the beds were littered with memorabilia, food from home, extra clothes. Mikasa dumped her scant belongings on her own bunk and grabbed the new military issue uniform. "Come on, Krista, let's get showered and changed. We'll catch a cold if we stay in our wet clothes."

 

_When you're at your lowest, there's nowhere to go but up. So it was for Mikasa, when 2 weeks into her life as an orphan, she began hallucinating from the lack of food. The matrons had all but given up on making her eat and drink, after all, they had a hundred other children to care for. Mikasa lay on her bed unmoving, drifting in and out of her dreams. It seemed to her that her life was a choice between a quick or a slow death- she'd missed her chance to die in that abandoned house, and now she was to live a few more years before being sent outside the Walls to die anyway. Her hallucinations took her to the night of the incident again, and she went through the mind-numbing fear of seeing your parents fall before your eyes once more. Then, the Boy. "...I'll join the Survey Corps and see the world outside the Walls." Mikasa sat up in her bed for the first time in many days. Wasn't she going to join the military too?_

 

Life is different when you have hope. When you believe that what you're doing is your choice, rather than a turn of fate. So, Mikasa continued to let herself believe that she wanted to join the Survey Corps, she wanted to fight, she wanted to protect the people living inside the Walls from the titans. After all, if you win, you live, and the people inside the Walls didn't know how to fight. Mikasa grabbed the lintel of the bunk door, and pulled herself up. Her daily routine comprised 100 pull-ups, 200 push-ups, and 300 sit-ups, a punishing pace only possible by years of self-discipline and training. Once Mikasa had decided to focus on the military as her goal, she threw herself completely into it. Learning whatever she could from the matrons and other kids, she improvised her own pull-up bars and weights. Physical ability was after all, the one thing she could prepare herself on. The titans didn't discriminate between males and females, and neither would the military. Mikasa was well aware that despite her current strength, she was likely to still be weaker than many of the males. Tomorrow, she would increase the number of repetitions.


	5. Chapter 5

After Mikasa and the Boy had killed her kidnappers, they had returned to Mikasa's house to grab a few necessities before leaving for the orphanage. The Boy's father had come, his eyes wide as he saw what they had done. Any death, even in the name of self-defence, was still regrettable. The stories of the men had been cut short, and the memory of them would fade. So it was for Mikasa's parents. If not for their bodies on the ground, the house looked exactly the same. The pot was still on the stove, and the plates set on the table for diners who would never eat from them. Empty chairs at an empty table, where her parents would sit no more. It was almost as if the house was simply holding its breath, and if Mikasa turned around, she would see her mother asking her to wash her hands before dinner. It was worse, she decided, to see how her parents' lives had been so abruptly interrupted, to see everything in their places as though life could go on as normal.

As Mikasa and Krista returned from their shower, they were surprised to see one of the military officers clearing some of the belongings from the bunk beds in the barracks. She was carrying a large military issue duffel, and making her way slowly around the bunk. Stopping, she would pick up the belongings at one of the beds, and stare at it as if she could see its owner. Then, all the personal artifacts from that bunk went into the duffel bag. When she left, the duffel bag was brimming with photographs, clothes, and pain. Mikasa could only assume that she had been charged to remove the belongings of those in the barracks who had died in service, to make way for the new recruits. She wondered who had been the one to remove her family's belongings from their home, or if they were still there, like a suspended breath.

Through the window, Mikasa saw a line of military officers filing in. Their empty gazes and bloodstained clothes confirmed her suspicions- a platoon had recently returned from battle, and it seemed that most of them had not made it. The last of the troupe entered the gates of the training compound, under the supervision of a well-built blond man Mikasa assumed was the leader of the mission.

"That's the Survey Corps. The blond man is Commander Erwin Smith." A new voice commented as it joined them at the window. "I'm Hannah," she said.

"Nice to meet you Hannah, I'm Mikasa and this is Krista. Are they returning from a mission?"

"Looks like we'll be training together then. Ah, they are. When there isn't a new squad in training, the training compound barracks are empty, so they took this place up as a temporary outpost just before they left. Looks like they're back later than expected, since new recruits are already in. They were probably separated, which explains why they have so many casualties. Half the platoon returned a few days ago, this is probably the last of them that survived."

Mikasa wondered what it felt like, beyond the Walls. Although the Boy had spoken of wonderful things there, it seemed that those who left it saw only bloodshed and death. Their blank gazes and silences spoke more deeply than words- it was as if they had lost the will to fight any longer and had accepted their death. Krista spoke suddenly, in a serious tone out of character for her. "The day you enlist in the Survey Corps is the day you die. You just aren't buried until the military sends you past the Walls and you're taken by a Titan." Her words chilled Mikasa's spine slightly, and she wondered if the shy, shivering girl Mikasa had met had a deeper story behind that belied such a fatalistic belief.

"Unless you're Captain Levi," Hannah added. "See that short guy beside Commander Smith? He's survived countless trips beyond the Walls. I've heard he can take down a 10-metre Titan all by himself, he's that good." The stocky guy in question seemed unimpressionable at first, but Mikasa took a mental note. Perhaps learning from this captain would help her and the Boy stay alive when they finally faced a real Titan. If the officers who had been sent out had returned seemingly without their soul or any motivation to fight again, there must be something special about this man, who could return to the battlefield time and time again.

Just as they were closing the gates, a boy appeared outside the training compound. "I'm here to enlist in the Survey Corps!" he proudly announced.


	6. Chapter 6

Mikasa was so tired of being lonely. It wasn't for the lack of friends, but a cruel, chilling knowledge she felt in her bones that all of us are born alone, and will die alone. The people she laughed with and cried with at the orphanage, the matrons who cared for her, even Hannah and Krista whom she had just met, were all temporary. Her fellow orphans would stay with her only until she left the place, the matrons too were helpless the day she turned 13. Hannah and Krista, who both seemed such nice people, would eventually leave Mikasa when they were posted to different departments, or when the Titans killed any of them.

It was her burden to carry, this realism, that put Mikasa in a detached bubble which none of the people she met could break through. When she returned to her bunk, she was conscious of her single bed, and she felt that it was a daily reminder that in death, coffins were also built for one. Despite all the friends she made, everything was temporary.

The boy who had appeared at the main gate of the training compound was not alone; he was accompanied by another person, a short blonde bob that concealed their gender. Mikasa, Hannah, and Krista headed out to the gate, where a small crowd was starting to gather. The boy was speaking animatedly, his hands describing his excitement as they drew titans and houses in the air. His air was one of ferocious excitement, he seemed determined that he would join the military, oblivious to the fate that awaited him after enlistment. In contrast, the blond boy? girl? that stood beside him had their head hung. Mikasa observed that their clothes were threadbare and dirty, like paupers that lived on the street. She wondered what paupers would ever want to join the military, in defence of the society that had abandoned them.

As they approached, his voice began to ring clear in their ears. He was telling a story of destruction and tragedy, his mother had been crushed as his house was demolished by the titans. He would turn 13 in a few months, and so would his friend, Armin, couldn't they please join the military? Mikasa though it was odd that he spoke of his house's collapse and the death of his mother with such vigor, his friend 'Armin' who stood beside him seemed much more like they had narrowly escaped a titan attack. Armin looked up briefly at the crowd surrounding them with wide, blue eyes. The tear tracks down his cheek were caked in with dust from their travel, and Mikasa saw now that their hands and knees had abrasions barely starting to heal.

"...you can't expect me to believe that Shiganshina District was attacked, a titan can't get through the Wall!" one of the officers argued with disbelief.  
"I'm telling the truth, I really am! You can ask your superiors if you don't believe me."  
"That doesn't mean that we'll take you in, we already have enough orphans for this batch..."  
"You have to take us in! I need to learn how to fight. If I win, I live. If I can't fight, I can't win!"

Mikasa stopped in her tracks. It was the Boy. Without a doubt, she knew in her marrow that he had finally arrived. Mikasa felt as if she had been holding her breath all her life, bearing with the orphanage, with everything, so that she could see him again. Relief flooded her like a fresh gasp of air floods a drowning person's lungs; it seemed she had been treading water and the waves were almost engulfing her, until she saw the Boy again. Here he was, right in front of her. Suddenly, nervousness took over Mikasa's body, a feeling that she had never felt, even when leaving the orphanage for the first time in years. Her knees trembled slightly as she wondered if he would remember her, remember the scarf he had given her, the one she wore all the time just in case.

The officer and the Boy were arguing, Mikasa mentally felt glad that this officer in particular had not yet lost his humanity as so many of the officers seemed to have to. He was trying to dissuade the Boy from joining the military, aware of the painful fate he would endure, and the likelihood of dying. The orphans had no choice, but these two boys had. Yet, she knew there was no persuading him. Looking at the Boy's determined gaze, she knew that his enthusiasm was simply a facade for the cold anger that boiled within him. For a Boy that had dared to stand up for a girl he barely knew to save her life, losing his mother so tragically had to be unimaginably painful. So, he'd put all his hurt and frustration into energy, energy to argue with the officer and join the military and find the Titan that had killed his mother. It was a feeling Mikasa was familiar with, after all, hadn't she also put everything into seeing the Boy again? Mikasa thought she heard a soft popping sound, like a bubble that had been pricked.

Eventually, the Boy's friend, this 'Armin', looked up. With some relief, Mikasa thought that he had to be a boy, although the blond bob had been misleading at first. He had been pulling at the hangnails on his thumb, and the skin there was ravaged and red. With the air of someone exasperated and tired, he opened his mouth for the first time.

"Just let us in. We have nowhere else to go."


	7. Chapter 7

Anxiety was new to Mikasa. She had never felt so nervous about approaching someone before, and she handled the foreign emotion by running away from it. As the training started going into full swing, Mikasa found herself hyper-aware of where the Boy was, and then placing herself as far away from him as possible. He tended to sit right at the front of strategy classes, so Mikasa was tucked away at the back of the class. When he lagged behind during their runs, Mikasa was at the front of the pack. She continued to wear his red scarf in the hopes that somehow he might remember and talk to her, a conundrum of hope and fear. Mikasa couldn't decide if she wanted him to notice her, or not.

Slowly, Mikasa's physical prowess became the talk of the trainees. It was rumoured that Mikasa was stronger than any of the male or female trainees, and even most of the officers. To top it off, she had lightning reflexes and was smart, a deadly combination for the Titans. The officers whispered to one another that they hadn't seen such raw potential since Captain Levi had been a trainee. Mikasa ignored the rumours, but it quickly became apparent that she was the favourite of the trainers, often being called upon to demonstrate some take-down or other. Hannah and Krista were always wide-eyed at how good she was, but Mikasa simply went about teaching the other trainees patiently and without arrogance.

"Mikasa, right?" a familiar voice said. Mikasa turned, knowing the face she would see.  
"Ah..." His face, so close to hers, made her feel an adrenaline rush coming on.  
"I'm Eren, Eren Yeager. Could you help me with this hold? I can't seem to get it right."

Of course. How could she have forgotten? Dr Yeager had been his father, her family's doctor for years. The Boy was Eren, and Eren was the Boy. Although Mikasa remembered the visits Dr Yeager had made to her house, and how a younger Eren had tagged along occasionally, it had never made a connection in her mind, like a word that had been read so many times that it began to seem meaningless. Eren. Eren, her saviour, was here. Eren, the Boy from that night, was standing here talking to her. Perhaps if they talked, he would remember who she was. Surely her name struck a chord? Or the red scarf she wrapped around her neck all the time triggered some memory?

"Thanks, Mikasa."

He left without another word, jogging off to the boy's barracks as the training officer shouted at the trainees to get showered and back in the classroom for strategy lessons. It suddenly came to Mikasa, another memory from her childhood, when her parents had still been alive. She had left to gather firewood at the insistence of her mother, who had been making Mikasa's favourite sushi. Fish came so rarely to their small town that Mikasa hadn't had any for almost a year. Her mother had promised that once Mikasa had gathered enough firewood, the sushi would be ready for dinner, too. So Mikasa had spent the day collecting the biggest pile of firewood she had ever tried to gather, and carried it painstakingly back to her house. Her little legs were aching from lugging along the heavy pile, but she thought it all had to be worth it for the delicious tangy sushi rice, the salty seaweed, and the salmon that would be snugly wrapped in the middle of it. When Mikasa reached home, she was devastated to find that the neighbour's kids had come over to play with Mikasa, and while waiting, eaten all of the sushi. Mikasa threw a huge tantrum despite knowing that it would not change anything; yet her helplessness seemed only to make her feel even worse about the turn of events.

Although Mikasa had not screamed or cried as loudly in the intervening years, not even when her parents had died, she felt like doing so now. She thought her heart must be bleeding from the pain, that the Boy she had been thinking of and waiting for so long didn't seem to remember her at all. That the one thing that had meant so much to Mikasa and given her so much motivation was simply gone. She wondered if it was better to die, than to live and hurt. After all, it was hardest on the families of those who had been eaten by Titans. It was the living that continued to bear the pain even after their loved ones were long gone.


	8. Chapter 8

_I'm thinking about how people fall in love in mysterious ways_

_Maybe it's all part of a plan_

 

There was a song playing in the barracks, on the old radio. The girls chatted in the short time they had left before the officers came in and shouted "lights out!", turning off the electric lights overhead. They had developed a routine; as lights out drew nearer, one by one, the girls would lie down on their backs and keep talking in this way. It seemed strange at first, to be speaking to someone while staring up at the ceiling or the bunk bed above you, but it had become a habit for them. Once the officers came around, the lights went off with barely a shouted warning, and they were forbidden from making a sound in the pitch darkness. In the first night it had happened, Mikasa and a few other girls had spent the night on the floor, unable to find their beds. Mikasa wondered if the sudden deprivation of light and sound was meant to train them, somehow. Perhaps to endure the surprising quickness that their comrade's lives could be snuffed out. Still, it lent a strange sense of anonymity and friendship; the lack of face-to-face contact made their words flow more easily, and Mikasa learnt about many of her new friends' troubled pasts. On the other hand, the indirect way that each person had to announce their story to the whole bunk when speaking also forged a sense of camaraderie and trust among the girls. These were the new friends they were put together with by fate, and they would trust each other with their secrets, and later, their lives.

As Hannah talked about one of the male recruits, Franz, it hit Mikasa how very appropriate the song was. It was about 2 months into their training, and Hannah and Franz had met during one of the weapons cleaning sessions, and been inseparable ever since. Their friendship had blossomed less like a flower, and more like an explosive bomb- Hannah was with Franz every second she could, and spoke of his gentlemanly manners, adorable habits, etc. every night. Yet, they might not have met if not for the military, a fate that most people would never want. Maybe there really was a plan, for each of us to meet our partner. Mikasa wondered when she began to believe in destiny and fate; it seemed like such a dubious, fanciful concept that she would normally never permit herself. Mikasa believed firmly in life and death, and fighting to stay alive. If she fell to the idea that she was fated to die whatever she did, her life would have been meaningless.

 

_Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen_

_And baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory_

 

Perhaps it was the moment she saw the Boy turn to her, and the passion ignite in his eyes as he spoke of going beyond the Wall. It had seemed so clear to her, that one day she would follow this Boy out and see the larger world outside their confines. It seemed that his conviction hadn't faded over the years, if his proclamation of joining the military was anything to go by. Yet, Mikasa couldn't help but relive her disappointment that he didn't seem to recollect their time together. Her imagination had built him up over time, she had thought so many times of how they would meet again, and in her mind, he always broke into a wonderful smile.

Mikasa thought over the events of the past few weeks, and how they had slowly become friends once more. Her disappointment had erased all her anxiety, and they had many more opportunities to speak now that Mikasa wasn't actively avoiding Eren. He always seemed so energetic and lively, learning everything with a burning curiosity that made Mikasa love coaching him. Eren would often pop over to Mikasa during combat classes, and ask her advice on a particular move or combination he didn't quite have down pat. He was almost a different person from the Boy Mikasa remembered; she thought of the younger Eren as the Boy who was lost to her, someone who had left her at the orphanage that day and never turned back. This Eren, the one in front of her, who smiled and joked as he failed spectacularly trying to do a back hooking kick, was a totally different person. Not worse, just different. This Eren, too, was full of light to Mikasa.

 

_Well, me I fall in love with you every single day_

_And I just want to tell you I am_


	9. Chapter 9

Eren is light. Mikasa thought she was falling in love with him all over again, which felt oddly adulterous to her. She had been in love with the Boy of her memories for so long that to fall in love with Eren felt almost like cheating. The two people were irreconcilable to Mikasa, and in this turmoil of half-guilt, she found herself irresistibly drawn to him. Does fate exist?

"Pay attention to your right hand, it's practically broadcasting that you'll go for a shoulder throw next," Captain Levi commanded. Mikasa snapped back to reality, where she was at grips with Captain Levi, fighting a bout of _randori_. Now that the recruits had been sufficiently tortured with runs and strength training for 2 months, Captain Levi had deemed them worthy to start on judo...taught by the Captain himself. Over the past month, the Survey Corps members had grown increasingly restless as they stalked around camp, mumbling about funding cuts and possible dissolution. Apparently, their latest failure had not been taken lightly by the higher ups. Eventually Commander Erwin Smith had returned from the meetings in the capital, and ordered that the Survey Corps was to take a break and recuperate, and "find some damn strategy before charging out like fools", as the head of the Military Police had said. The Commander had gritted his teeth as he sent most of his members home for the summer, although he himself returned to the capital with steely eyes. Captain Levi, on the other hand, had stayed at the training compound on the pretext of gathering new recruits.

Mikasa almost wished he hadn't. It had only been 3 days into their new regime, and many of the recruits were already injured or demoralised. Captain Levi had an unforgiving training style; the recruits woke up at 5 am daily to begin a run around the training complex. After a brief breakfast and some strategy lessons, the rest of the day was devoted to judo training. Judo was a martial art originating in Japan, one of the 'countries' before the Titans had attacked. Like all the other kids, Mikasa had learnt about history before the war, but she had never really grasped the concept of what 'countries' were. Everyone Mikasa knew lived within the Walls, and she could barely imagine that the Earth had been so populated as to have different countries divided by great 'oceans'. Still, Mikasa loved the judo art; it was graceful and fluid, and speed and technique mattered more than size. It was a great advantage for a slim-built person like Mikasa, or... a short person like Captain Levi.

While all the other recruits regarded the Captain with a mix of admiration and fear, Mikasa couldn't quite muster up respect for the stoic man standing in front of her, when she could look down at him. She had heard of his many Titan kills, but it seemed distant, like something he had done years ago. For all her skill and strength, Mikasa had a touch of hubris, an inexplicable smugness that came over her occasionally from being the best in her squad. She tried to curb her pride, but today, the Captain was crushing it through their bout, and it was starting to piss Mikasa off.

"Come on, Ackerman. I'd thought you were supposed to be good." Mikasa twisted with all her might, spinning around with the Captain's arm firmly locked in hers. His body lifted off the ground, and Mikasa felt a temporary euphoria. She would show this annoying, short man how good she really was. Her arm slammed down, pushing the Captain's body hard into the ground. The smack resounded throughout the training hall as his body hit the ground, his arm flying out to break his fall. Mikasa was all sweat, and she panted as she knelt beside the Captain, spent.

His face was surprisingly unguarded, when Mikasa looked up. For once, he wasn't scowling or frowning, and Mikasa saw that his eyes were a dark shade of gray, not black as she had previously thought. Mikasa wondered if he would smile, but the Captain only sat up, his face coming close, too close to her. "Good job," he whispered. He stood up smoothly, almost as if nothing had transpired. Mikasa was slightly stunned, but quickly brushed it off and moved off the mat to make space for the next pair. The startled silence of the recruits slowly dissolved into claps, then cheers for Mikasa, for being the first to score a throw against the Captain. Mikasa shrugged and smiled, and settled down with a bottle of water to watch the next pair spar. Whatever had happened, it was clear that she had gained the respect of Captain Levi. It would be useful one day, as many said that the Captain didn't get along with anyone he didn't think capable. Perhaps he could help her and Eren stay alive beyond the Walls.


	10. (Levi Arc)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a mini arc with some Levi/Mikasa feelings. Sorry it's sad, I'm going through some heartbreak now and I thought it'd be nice to write it out. Take it as an aside, it doesn't really matter to the rest of the story.

Levi is used to being the respected one, the silent and strong one, the person people know as the best in the Survey Corps. So, he wasn't expecting to return in defeat to see an up and rising new recruit who already had a reputation within a few days. Well, the defeat part wasn't all that new. The Survey Corps had had a spate of failed missions, each with more casualties than the last. Erwin was frustrated and snappish, although he presented a cool facade to the members of his delegation.

The noise coming from the gates had annoyed Levi to no end, when the Survey Corps had first returned to the training compound. Voices rose and fell, their words inaudible, but piercing into the fog of thoughts in Levi's mind. Erwin had just lashed out again, taking his annoyance at the funding cuts out on Levi. Levi didn't mind, he knew Erwin was stressed and on edge. Still, they had rode in silence on the horses, Levi immersed in thinking of a strategy that would get the government to grant them another mission, and for the Survey Corps to finally prove their importance. That is, until the chorus of voices had erupted as they filed through the gates. Levi tried to block it out, his annoyance rising, but eventually lost to his own temper. He swung himself off his horse, passing it to one of the officers walking beside him. Struggling slightly to maintain his impassive expression, Levi strode over to where the commotion was.

As he approached the gates, he saw two young boys in argument with one of the training officers. Orphans, probably. The scum were likely trying to get out of military training after spending years feeding off government funds at the orphanages. Based on their ragged clothing and skinny limbs, they probably wouldn't do the military any good, either. Levi's mouth pressed into a line, this was the source of all the noise? They weren't recruits yet, but the military compound was not a place to tolerate undisciplined behaviour.

Then, a tall girl strode into Levi's view, also heading for the gates. She was slim built yet muscular, a perfect combination for the speed and strength necessary in Titan fighting. To Levi's trained eyes, she literally shone with potential as a Titan killing machine. Her hair was short and black, her neck wrapped in a red scarf that blew behind her in the wind. Unexpectedly, Levi found himself stopping to watch her walk past. Could she be the Mikasa Ackerman he had heard about? Even as the Survey Corps had headed back into the city, escorts from the training compound had arrived to take care of the wounded. With them came the rumours and going ons of the training compound, and the beautiful young girl who was a stellar fighter was mentioned again and again. Although she was only 13, her height would soon surpass Levi's. This girl, with her black hair and eyes, her pale, oriental skin, who looked so much like Levi himself, made him pause.

The girl had made her way to the gates and watched the commotion from afar, her eyes gleaming. Then, she'd left, but her silhouette was etched into Levi's mind. It was wrong, everything was wrong. Wrong that Levi was thinking of this girl, who was still a child. That she ran through his mind, when he should have been focused on the Survey Corps. That he dreamt of touching her sleek dark hair and brushing her pale, smooth cheeks. Was he really lusting after a child, when Levi had always thought he would never get married like everyone else? He had always thought it was a special kind of selfishness and cruelty, to fall in love in this wretched world, and bring a child into a life of fear and darkness. He had scorned all those who had the capacity to stay in their homes and raise their children, when the Titans were just past the Walls. Yet, here he was, thinking of Mikasa.

Eventually, as the Survey Corps returned home for the time being, Levi stayed. When Erwin asked Levi to go to the capital with him, Levi had refused. It was madness that he was shirking his responsibility as a Captain, and more importantly, as Erwin's closest friend, to stay. It was even more crazy that it was for Mikasa. Yet Levi pulled excuses, saying he wanted to train the new recruits and amass members for the Survey Corps. Erwin had left alone, his eyes cold. Levi found excuses to be near Mikasa by teaching the recruits Judo. Levi did love the martial art, but he wasn't sure if he did it truly for the recruits' benefit, or so he could talk to Mikasa alone. Then, Mikasa had thrown him. Beautiful, strong, Mikasa had gripped Levi, who was almost twice her weight, and executed a textbook shoulder throw. Levi had slammed into the tatami mats, his breath knocked out of him. She had been so close to him, panting, her perspiration running down the side of her face. Levi's heart was so full of love and pride at that moment, he thought it might burst.

Levi was so fixated on Mikasa, and her alone, that he never noticed anyone else. Not even that she too, was prone to staring at Eren, her gaze full of love and longing. When he finally realised, it was too late. He had devoted his feelings to her, when he first heard it. Two of the recruits were whispering in the canteen, their voices just audible. "...Mikasa is in love with Eren, I can just tell! She never says it, but it's so obvious." "Yes, they would make such a cute couple, and guess what I heard yesterday..." Levi was torn with pain, his spoon halfway between his bowl and his mouth. Eren. Of course, it was the boy that day at the gate. Levi had eventually heard that Eren had in fact been signing himself up for the military, an act that totally changed Levi's perception of him. He had been something of a figure of grudging respect for Levi, someone that would willingly choose this life of hardship and pain. How could he blame Mikasa for being attracted to him? They were perfect for each other, both the same age, and both highly motivated fighters with promising futures in the military. The pain Levi had warded off for the past few months came back to him with crushing force. The death of his comrades, the temporary dissolution of the Survey Corps, the hanging quarrel with Erwin. He had put it all aside, and now his motivation for staying and training the new recruits had been cruelly taken away, too. Levi shivered a little in the chilly canteen; the gruel in his bowl was tasteless and had congealed into a lumpy mess. He forced the cold food down, mouthful after mouthful. When everything was gone, all Levi had left was discipline. 

_I've always assumed love was a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof._


	11. Chapter 11

"That was amazing, Mikasa!" Mikasa turned, already knowing who she would see. She was so attuned to Eren's voice, just Eren himself, that she was sure she could pick him out in a dark room full of people, if it came to that. She was like a satellite, following him in his orbit as she herself depended on him for survival. Wherever he went, she subconsciously followed his movements across the room. It was almost obsessive, Mikasa thought to herself. She hoped he wouldn't realise how much her attention was always focused on him.

Still, she wasn't prepared for how incredibly happy he looked. Mikasa thought suddenly of pictures of gods in the books from the past, when there were religions widespread across the world. The revered buddhas, respected saints, venerated deities were often pictured with a halo of light behind their heads. She'd thought it had been an artistic flair, to represent that the individual was blessed by the heavens above. Now she began to understand why different cultures would have such a similar representation of their esteemed. As she looked at Eren, his smiling face seemed to be full of light. It was the first time she had seen such unbridled joy and happiness in him, or really, any person. It was almost a moment too precious to look at, this boy who could still smile so exuberantly in a dying world full of pain. She had been wrong. Eren wasn't a planet, and she wasn't a satellite. He was a star, burning in his own fire. He was her religion and her belief in life.

"It was...nothing." Mikasa managed. It was new too, to her, to be tongue-tied. Eren was bringing so much emotion and novel experiences to her, that Mikasa wondered if she deserved to have met him. She smiled and acquiesced to his request for her to teach him judo, listening as he recounted animatedly how she threw Levi, how it was practically textbook, and wasn't she the best fighter anyone had ever seen? Hannah, Armin, and a few of their other friends were gathered around, listening raptly to Eren. He had a natural charisma, and Mikasa could see how their group of friends were beginning to take him as their unspoken leader. Eren... Eren was just so much. Mikasa found it hard to believe she was standing next to him, and that he respected her as a friend, and as a fighter.

Chased by the officers, their group eventually broke up into pairs to practise. _Uchikomi_ is the practise of judo throws repeatedly, to pound the throws into muscle memory and perfect the thrower's form and stance. Mikasa wondered briefly why they were practising throws to use on other humans, but her attention was quickly recaptured by Eren. "Do you want to pair with me?" he asked, his green eyes still shining from the excitement of reliving the fight. Of course, of course she would. How could she ever say no to Eren? Mikasa thought that if Eren asked her to die for him, she would agree without hesitation. They gripped each other's _gi_ , their hands tight on the lapel of the other. In the circle of their arms, Mikasa thought that she wouldn't be able to stand being so physically close to him. It was only by sheer will of mind that she kept her emotions under check, and focused on the task at hand. Only Eren could break through the complete control Mikasa had always had over her feelings and her body.

He stepped clumsily towards her, his foot too close to the right to gain any leverage. His arm wrapped around her waist, and Eren twisted his body for a hip throw. Mikasa easily slipped off to the side. Although Eren was strong, the arm around her waist wouldn't do any good if he didn't break her balance properly and get the form right. She corrected him, and he learned slowly, changing his throw little by little until she was satisfied. In the moments that she had him all to herself, Mikasa felt that she was the luckiest person in the world. That the person she loved so deeply cared about her opinion just as she did his. Eventually, Eren executed a perfect throw, and Mikasa landed heavily on the ground. It was late in the day, and the judo session would soon be over. As they lugged the heavy tatami mats to be stacked in the corner, Eren thanked Mikasa for teaching him that day.

"Soon I'll be able to throw Levi as well!" he said happily. Mikasa thought he looked like a young boy receiving a good mark on his first examination.  
"We'll see if you can throw me in a fight first," Mikasa taunted.  
"Maybe if I can throw Levi, one day I'll be able to throw you too."

Mikasa turned, surprised. Eren simply lugged the tatami mat onto the tall stack, then turned to help Mikasa with hers. Not that she needed the assistance, but she appreciated his gesture any way. She wondered when they had gained this unspoken understanding and teamwork, and smiled quietly to herself.

Eren.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I should probably start naming my chapters.
> 
> Mikasa is human too, and even fictional characters have bad days (when I am having a bad day).

Mikasa hurried along the alley, the goosebumps on her bare legs raised in the chilly air. It was the start of April and already spring, yet the air was still cool. It didn't help that it had just rained, and the moisture hung in the atmosphere, making Mikasa shiver. She hoped that the one dress she owned from the orphanage was alright; she didn't really know what one wore to birthday parties. None of the children at the orphanage had celebrated their birthday, it seemed almost a tragedy to commemorate a life of suffering and orphanhood. She wrapped her jacket tightly around herself and walked quickly, trying to warm herself up. Mikasa had been on dishwashing duty that day, and been held back after dinner while the others left first.

It was Armin that had come up with the idea. Although he and Eren had been through much heartbreak and pain, Armin didn't want his friend to think he'd forgotten, or that birthdays were no longer worth celebrating. Before, Eren had had the privilege of celebrating 12 birthdays with his parents, and Armin didn't see why the tradition should stop just because his parents were dead or missing. Although it was a little belated, Armin had somehow managed to cobble together some food, and invited the trainees to a secluded field nearby. The idea of a secret midnight picnic sounded romantic and thrilling; all of Eren's friends had quickly agreed to sneak out that night for the party. Mikasa was excited and nervous, her inexperience with parties warring with the desire to spend time with Eren. The illicitness of sneaking out made everything that much more on edge.

She probably shouldn't have taken the alley. It was a shortcut, and Mikasa had reasoned that there was nothing to fear. After all, which robber or murderer could overcome Mikasa in a fight? It was an embarrassing and trivial thing that bested Mikasa, though. Between hurrying, shivering, anticipating, and the darkness of the alleyway, Mikasa tripped on an overturned bucket while turning a corner. She landed heavily on the side of her foot, her hands flinging out to grab onto the walls. The rough brick walls gave her no purchase but tore at her hands, and Mikasa landed on her side. 

"Ita..." Mikasa's mother had often spoken in the old language when she had been alive, and Mikasa still clung to some of her habits, especially when caught off guard. She stood up slowly, brushing off the dust. Just her luck, her dress was muddy and soaked from the puddles leftover from the rain. She took off her scarf and wrung it out, trying to get rid of the putrid water it had fallen in. The small bag of snacks she was bringing to the party, and her knapsack too, were damp. Her hands were grazed and bloody, while her foot was tingling from the fall. It didn't seem to be too bad, not even a sprain, but Mikasa hovered at the spot, undecided. She couldn't very well go to the party muddy and injured, yet she had been looking forward to it all week. What excuse would she give them? The truth? They would laugh at her, their best fighter downed by an overturned bucket! More importantly, she didn't want Eren to see her in her muddy dress, and think poorly of her. Could she go back to the training compound, change into her uniform and return? But Mikasa was already an hour late, and if she returned there would hardly be any time left to enjoy the party. Mikasa's own indecision frustrated her deeply. Given a titan, or someone to fight, Mikasa could always easily see the clear solution and what to do. As always, when it came to Eren, Mikasa was uprooted from her security in own abilities, like a small boat cut from its mooring and cast into the deep sea.

Eventually, defeated, Mikasa turned back. It was just her luck, perhaps she was never meant to go. Of all the people invited, she had been the only one unlucky enough to be rostered for dishwashing duty on that day. The strong, surefooted and firmly atheistic Mikasa was now entertaining superstitious thoughts! She shook her head at herself mentally, and tried to clear her thoughts. It was true that Eren had been distracting her recently, and Mikasa did have a book on mental fortitude in times of war she was meant to finish reading and present to her peers in a few days. She could probably take a leaf out of that book; ever since she had met Eren (again), Mikasa seemed to be at war with herself. A Mikasa that was calm and collected and wanted to take things slowly, versus a Mikasa that paid attention only to Eren and wanted to let him know her feelings immediately.

As Mikasa trudged back to the training compound, she was struck by the thought that this is what independence feels like. Before, she had always had her parents or the matron to go to when she fell and hurt herself. They would make it all better, and within a few minutes Mikasa would be laughing and running with her friends again. Is 13 too young to be an adult? Well, if she could be drafted into the army at 13, Mikasa thought that it meant that it was time for her to mature and grow up. Once, Mikasa had looked forward to a life with her parents, and perhaps at 18 or 20 years old, or whenever she felt like it, she would find a husband and marry him. That had been the optimistic and fairy-tale like image of being an adult in Mikasa's mind. Now, Mikasa realised that growing up meant facing the consequences of her own actions, whether she liked it or not. If only she had been more careful, she could have been chatting with Eren and the others by now. Would her callousness mean the difference between living and dying in a fight against the Titans? If Mikasa missed a swing at a Titan's neck, would it mean the death of one of her friends, or even Eren? Filled with dark thoughts and depressed by having to miss the party, and having too many things bundled up in her hands, Mikasa didn't notice as the scarf slipped out and fell to the ground. Her foot began to swell and throb and she limped her way back to the training compound.

When she returned to the girls' dormitory and got out a change of clothes, Mikasa realised her scarf was gone. It was by far the worst day she had ever had, after the kidnapping incident, she thought. Miserably, Mikasa thought of going out again to look for the scarf, but decided that it was futile. It was cold, wet, and she had no idea when she had dropped it. Her thoughts in turmoil, she changed into clean clothes and went to bed, her eyes firmly closed. She knew she should clean her muddy shoes so she could wear them the next day, and properly rinse the muddy clothing, but she simply didn't have the mood to do so.

The next day, it was almost as if everyone had forgotten that Mikasa didn't attend. It was one of those times where the whole clique was present, and no one really remembered who had been missing, but Mikasa felt wretched as she sat at the lunch table listening to everyone else talk about the fun they had the previous night. Hannah and Franz had been lovey-dovey as usual, and could they please just get a room already? And do you remember the amazing hand-made lei Krista had given Eren for his birthday? Or the story Armin had told about the great 'ocean' he had read about in the history books? Mikasa at in silence, her food was too hot and hard to swallow.

Eren plopped down next to her on the bench, his lunch tray heaped with potatoes, which he began giving to Sasha. She was one of the newer members of their circle of friends, and seemed to always be hungry. For potatoes, specifically. Eren and Krista would often beg a few more potatoes from the lunch servers, so they could give them to Sasha. When Mikasa was rostered to serve lunch or dinner, she too couldn't resist piling a few more of the steamed roots on Sasha's plate. "No problem," Eren said, smiling as Sasha thanked him enthusiastically for the food.

"How's your foot, Mikasa? What happened?" Just like that, Mikasa suddenly felt part of the group again. Eren wasn't angry that she had missed his party, and no one else had noticed her slight limp; Mikasa had been trying to hide it as much as possible. For Eren to notice...Mikasa allowed herself to entertain the thought that maybe he noticed her just as much as she did him. Mikasa thought that if there was a God, He was unfair. Eren's eyes were wide in concern, and his mouth was just slightly parted. His lips were slightly chapped, but somehow, it was that much more endearing to Mikasa. He looked at her questioningly, and Mikasa wondered how so much perfection could be in one person.

"It's all good, I just fell on the way to the party. Guess the floor was practicing its judo throws on me," Mikasa joked.  
"Ah...it must be painful. I guess I'll have to train harder then won't I? If the ground can throw you better than me!" Eren was laughing, his head thrown back.  
"Well I'd say that if-"  
"I really missed you at the party. If only you could have been there."  
"I...I wish I could have been too."  
"Promise you'll come the next time?"  
"Of course."


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I realised there's a mistake in the previous chapter, where I said Mikasa had the habit of speaking in Japanese only on occasion. Please ignore that, all the characters in this story are speaking Japanese all the time. Sorry!

The bad day was turning into a horrible week. After Mikasa missed Eren's birthday party, it seemed that everything else was determined to go wrong for her as well. First, she'd been reprimanded for her muddy shoes, which Mikasa had not cleaned after her fall. Then, although Eren didn't seem to mind, she still worried that he would be upset she had missed the party. It didn't help that Mikasa had lost her scarf, or that her hands and right foot were still causing her pain.

Mikasa rolled her eyes as the fire alarm went off. It was the dead of the night, and the girls groaned as they sat up in their beds. Someone flipped the switch, and the bright tungsten light made Mikasa squeeze her eyes shut. She climbed down the ladder on the side of her bunk bed slowly, her foot throbbing each time she put her weight on it. Her boots were out of the question- Mikasa's foot had swelled up during the night, and she wouldn't be able to walk with the pain. So, barefoot, she trailed the other girls walking briskly out of the bunk to assemble in the courtyard. It was definitely a chilly night, and Mikasa shivered in her thin nightshift. She still hadn't washed her muddy jacket out, and she shivered as her feet touched the cold granite floor. 

"It's just another stupid fire drill..."  
"The officers were already out of bed to hurry us."  
"Can't they just let us sleep?"

The girls complained as they stood in formation, forming files of 3. The bunk in-charge for the day was Sasha, and she was still hurrying around trying to count everyone. The officers were shouting at her to stop scurrying and get the recruits lined up quickly. Hannah and Franz had just appeared from the bunks together, looking harassed and unkempt. It would be a long, long night.

Morning came without any relief. Mikasa winced as she jumped back on her right foot, narrowly avoiding being thrown. Her hands were taped up, but the grazes still hurt as she gripped tightly onto the lapel of her partner, Annie. Morning judo practice was now devoted to sparring, and Captain Levi had paired them up with people he thought were of similar standards in judo. Before, Mikasa hadn't thought much of Annie, just that she existed and was a recruit, too. Now, Mikasa was really starting to dislike Annie.

It was unusual for Mikasa to be outmatched in judo, and she hated the feeling. It didn't help that Annie was shorter and smaller, but was somehow managing to fend Mikasa's attacks off with ease. Mikasa was on the defense, and her foot twinged every time she had to step quickly, a reminder of her embarrassing fall. Annie was unforgiving, grabbing Mikasa and using her own attacks against her. Mikasa fell heavily onto the ground, her left leg caught in a hook by Annie. She'd fallen to the same throw 6 times now, and it was really putting Mikasa on edge. Annie knew that Mikasa hurt each time she stepped back onto her right foot, and was using it to her advantage. It didn't help that Annie threw as hard as she could every single time, and Mikasa was sore from hitting the ground again and again. It was so frustrating that Mikasa was almost in angry tears, but the more upset she got and the more she tried to go rough on Annie in return, the more Mikasa was thrown.

Finally, Levi shouted across the room. "Matte! 3 minute water break, then swap partners!" Mikasa bowed to Annie, each thanking the other for the sparring session. Not that Mikasa felt grateful; she was so full of pent up anger she thought she might explode. It wasn't that Annie had done anything _wrong_ per se, but she fought in a way clearly meant to elicit pain. Annie threw hard, holding on to both of Mikasa's arms, so she wouldn't be able to break her fall. Mikasa had landed on her shoulders too many times to count in just 10 minutes, and her arms were certain to bruise the next day. Mikasa wondered where Annie had learnt to fight like that, in such a merciless way. Surely an orphanage wouldn't have martial art lessons?

"You all right, Mikasa?" Eren turned up at her shoulder, looking at Mikasa in concern. She realised she had been scowling to herself, and everyone else had paired up with someone new. They probably hadn't wanted to approach her, when she was looking so disgruntled. "Yeah, it's all good," Mikasa replied, "Want to partner with me?" As always, it was Eren who brought Mikasa relief, like cool water to a burn. Mikasa felt Eren's calmness wash over her like a wave, the composed manner and small jokes making her anger seep away. And as always, Mikasa became totally focused on Eren, like the rest of the world didn't exist. It was just them, trying to get a grip on each other's jugo _gi_ , circling each other.

How could she be having a bad week, or even a bad day, if Eren was here? He was all that mattered.


	14. Chapter 14

It was one of the boring days, when the class was restless and fidgety. The weather was finally starting to turn warm, and the pure sunlight shining through the open shutters of the classroom tempted the recruits. Hannah and Krista were whispering to each other, while the teacher droned on. Eren was at the back of the classroom, his eyes half open. Although Eren was by no means the type of slack off in lessons, history really wasn't his greatest interest. It didn't help at all that their 'teacher' for this class was an old and decrepit librarian, which was the best the military could muster up. Hearl Zoë was in charge of the library records in the training compound, and about the only person left who knew much about the time before the Titans had first come.

"Hearl? More like hurl! I could throw up just listening to him..." Jean Kirstein was talking loudly, attracting the attention of those around him. Mikasa rolled her eyes; recently, Jean had become more and more boisterous as he found that Hearl never commented on his disattention.

Hearl had probably been a military officer once, Mikasa thought. Although he was now stooped and feeble, his posture belied his strength when carrying heavy stacks of books to class, and he was surprisingly agile when he wanted to be. Not to mention the fact that if he had survived long enough in the military to retire, he had probably been one of its best fighters. Mikasa and Armin didn't share the drowsy mood the rest of the class seemed to be in; they were sat near the front of the class, in rapt attention. Armin was busy scribbling notes as Hearl lectured, oblivious to the fact that his audience had mostly drifted off. Mikasa wasn't rushing to transcribe what he said, but she was fascinated by the stories he told of the time before the Titans, when there had been 'technology'. Hearl's own parents had lived before the first attacks, and he had heard from them of life before humans had become caged up like cattle.

A 'painter' and a 'banker'. That's what Hearl's parents had been, before. Mikasa supposed that before the Titans, there had been many exciting occupations humans could take up. A painter would paint, and a banker, well, banked? Mikasa wasn't entirely sure what banks were, but it seemed that people used to have so much money they would put it all away at the bank. Now, a hundred years later, all humans did was farm. Almost every person Mikasa had known while her parents were alive were farmers, because of the food shortages. Still, she'd heard of people in the inner Walls who were painters, who made beautiful things called paintings that brought beauty and joy to those who saw them. Mikasa had never seen a painting, but she assumed these painters must be amazing people with a blessed talent, to be able to bring forth happiness in this god-forsaken world.

So what was she? Hearl had said that in the past, choosing your profession was synonymous with becoming an adult. Mikasa thought that it made sense, because your career became such an intrinsic part of your identity. At 13, she was ready to embark on the path that would define the rest of her life. Mikasa didn't regret that she couldn't have a happier childhood, with a less grim future, because this was all she had ever known. You can't miss something that you've never had. Was Mikasa a fighter, fighting for the freedom of humanity? Or simply a killer, who murdered? After all, this was what she seemed to be training to do. Hearl's father had spent 4 years at a large school called a University, learning how to become a good banker. Mikasa too, would graduate in 2 years, a trained murderer. Although their lives were very different, Mikasa thought that one thing remained constant- the passion. Just as Hearl's father must have loved banks very much to decide to be a banker for the remainder of his life, Mikasa wanted very much to protect the people within the Walls. Perhaps if humans weren't enclosed behind the towering walls, if they could flourish again, there wouldn't be people desperate enough to become kidnappers anymore.

Something hit Mikasa's shoulder gently and fell to the ground. She looked down, and found a crumpled piece of paper torn out of a notebook. Mikasa unravelled the scrap, and although it wasn't signed, she knew the handwriting by heart. _Are you excited for tomorrow?_ Mikasa turned and grinned at Eren, giving him two thumbs up. Eren had been pumped ever since the officers had announced last week that they would be trying out the 3DMG soon. His eyes were practically alight now that the day was drawing closer, and Mikasa couldn't help but be caught up in his enthusiasm.

Love. Lover? If painters paint, bankers bank, and fighters fight, maybe Mikasa could be a lover. If she had to choose one thing to define her life, one thing to do for the remaining time she had left on this earth, she would like to love Eren. To love this boy who had saved her life, and was now saving it again by bringing her hope every day. She wanted to care for Eren every single day, to be with him every second. Mikasa thought she might burst from the love she had from Eren sometimes, it was so great. Most of all, Mikasa wanted to be the best fighter in the military, to protect Eren from the Titans. Yes, she wanted to slay the Titans for revenge, to save the people still within the Walls, but Mikasa couldn't deny the fact that what gave her strength and courage to push through the tough training every day was the thought that one day, her training might be what saved Eren. The pain of one more push-up or one more round around the track was insignificant, when she thought of Eren. Is this what love is? Mikasa's parents had been in love, but that was about all that Mikasa had ever known in relation to love. She blushed quickly at the though that she and Eren might become parents one day.

Pushing the thoughts out of her mind, Mikasa quickly returned her attention to Hearl, her cheeks still burning. Thankfully, Armin was still absorbed in Hearl's ramblings.

 _I was made for loving you_  
_Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through_  
_Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do_  
_All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you_


	15. Chapter 15

"Do you know what love languages are?"

"Mm?" roused from her deep concentration in the book she was reading, "Moore's Clinically Oriented Anatomy", Mikasa hadn't really heard Armin's question. Both Mikasa and Armin were sprawled in the library of the training compound, a place that was quickly becoming one of their favourite hangouts. Eren had come with them initially, but as always, had left to get food or some other thing he'd forgotten. It amused Mikasa that Eren wanted to be with his friends, yet was at odds with his disinterest in the dusty tomes that populated the library. And what a beautiful library it was. Mikasa had never expected the training compound to conceal such a beautiful room. The library took up two floors, and the bookcases were arranged in concentric circles around the reading area. The high ceiling was set with skylights that let in the natural sun, which combined with the dark oak furniture, made the place a cosy one. The reading area had an eclectic set of mismatched armchairs and low tables, but the common oak theme and the embroidered wine red Persian rug only added to the atmosphere. Mikasa was glad that they had become friends with Hearl Zoë.

It all began with Armin pestering Hearl for more information about what life had been like before the Titans, what lay beyond the Walls, and did Hearl think that humans would ever roam free again? Sensing a kindred spirit with a passion about the past, the old man had opened up the trove of books to Armin and Mikasa's access. Now, they spent most of the Sundays they had free at the library, devouring the books. Although most of the books on the second level were military records, and out of bounds for Armin and Mikasa, the first floor was filled with random books about, and from the past. There were bibliographies from those who had lived through the first attacks, and history books about the time before the Titans. But the books that Mikasa and Armin loved most were those written before the Titans had ever appeared, and the fear that they engendered seeped into the writer's mind. All the books written after made reference to the Titans in one way or another- even cooking books were published to favour the ingredients that were still easily available from what the humans could farm. The books written before, on the other hand, had a precious innocence that told of how free humans had been before the Titans arrived. What kind of person, Mikasa wondered, had the time and energy to research and publish about love? Or philosophy? In the way that you and I lose ourselves in fiction, Mikasa and Armin lost themselves in the books that came from a time so different to what they were experiencing now that to them, it seemed like fiction.

"Love languages. It says here that people express love in 1 of 5 ways. Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, or Physical Touch." Armin listed the love languages. Armin went on to explain that each person had a dominant love language that they used to show emotion, and that other's actions would affect them most if it corresponded to their love language. "What do you think yours is?"

"Hmm...probably Acts of Service?"  
"Yappari, you're always helping others and all, and you wanted to join the military so you could protect the people within the Walls."  
"Well, what's yours, Armin?"  
"Why don't you try guessing? See if you know me well enough," Armin teased.  
"How about...Quality Time?"  
"Bingo! There's a quiz here in the book, and my result _was_ Quality Time."

Mikasa and Armin chatted about the different love languages, trying to guess that of their other friends. Mikasa and Armin had become better friends after finding their common interest in books, and spending time together at the library. Before, they had had the awkward relationship where Armin was Eren's best friend, but Mikasa didn't really know him. She thought back with chagrin to the time when Armin and Eren had first come to the training compound, and Mikasa had wondered with jealousy if Armin was a girl. Now, she had come to appreciate Armin for his own strengths and weaknesses, as his own person. It was definitely by spending time with Armin that they had become friends.

For 13, Armin was much more mature than his age told. Technically, he wasn't even close to his birthday yet, but the military officers had allowed him to stay with Eren on account of the seriousness they could see in his blue eyes. Although Mikasa and Eren each had their fair share of family tragedy, Mikasa thought that Armin had probably had it worst of all. He'd been forced to grow up quickly, in a household with an unloving father and abusive mother. When Mikasa had finally dared to ask Armin why he kept his hair in a bob, he had admitted that his mother had always wanted a girl, and treated him like the daughter she never had. Mikasa thought that it explained why Armin was so quiet and reserved, and preferred to lose himself in books rather than speak to others. It also elucidated the strong friendship that Armin and Eren had; Eren had been the only real friend and comfort that Armin had had throughout his problematic childhood. Although Armin's parents had survived the attack on Shiganshina, he'd chosen to leave with Eren and let his parents think he'd died, than return.

"What do you think Eren's love language is?" Mikasa asked. She blushed quickly, wondering if it was obvious to Armin that her mind was always preoccupied with Eren.  
"Definitely Physical Touch-" Armin and Mikasa burst into giggles.  
"Maybe if we keep touching him, he'll like us more!"  
"Heehee Eren is a perv~" Although Mikasa and Armin were laughing, Mikasa thought that it was very true. Eren did like to touch the shoulders of his friends while he was speaking, and Mikasa always thought that his touch was really tender and intimate. Still, it was nice to allow themselves to be the children that they were, once in a while.  
"I'll tell Eren you said that when he gets back!"

"Tell me what?" Eren asked, as he entered the library, his hands full of cleaning tools and oiling equipment. Ever since they had been issued their own 3DMG belts, Eren had been obsessed with it. Now that they would be assessed in the coming week on their ability to stay upright, Eren had become even more engrossed with it. Mikasa and Armin laughed as they recounted what had happened, asking Eren if he did think his love language was Physical Touch. Then the mood became serious as Eren asked them, "Do you think Titans have love languages?"

Armin was adamant that they didn't, that they weren't even human. Although animals probably had rudimentary methods of expressing love as well, such as giving gifts or performing acts of service, Armin believed that Titans weren't even worthy of being called animals. Mikasa wasn't so sure- after all, Titans did look alot like humans. She had been reading the anatomy book, the human anatomy Keith L. Moore had described seemed very similar to what the recruits had learnt about the anatomy of a Titan. Besides the fact that their bodies were disproportionate, they seemed very much like humans. Mikasa wondered if Titans were simply trying to survive, like humans were. If they had to eat humans to live, could they really be blamed for attacking the cities? She didn't dare wonder if Titans needed humans as sustenance; Mikasa couldn't bear the thought that the Titans could simply be killing for sport, or worse, for nothing at all. Yet, the Titans had survived for many years outside the Walls, with no humans to feed on. Could it really be true that they murdered rampantly without cause? That all the human lives they had taken were for naught?

Mikasa thought of the fact that someone else's Eren could have died in a Titan attack, for nothing. She shivered suddenly, in the cozy library.


	16. Chapter 16

Mikasa was wearing an oversized shirt, one of the donations to the orphanage. It was loose and threadbare, but the thin cotton felt soft and comforting against Mikasa's skin. Underneath, she wore the military issue shorts, which were thankfully the right size. For most of the orphans, the military's treatment of its recruits was much more comfortable than the lifestyle they had in the past. At least, they had 3 meals a day and clothing of the right size to wear. She was sitting on the grass of the outfield training area, which was mainly a plain behind the training compound reserved for military use. It was a particularly warm day, and Mikasa tried to soak up the sun as she read over one of the books she had taken from the library as they left.

Armin had decided to remain in the library, hoping to catch Hearl and ply him with more questions, while Eren and Mikasa had headed off alone to the outfield to take advantage of the warmer weather while it lasted. Eren was currently preoccupied, desperately trying to stay upright in his 3DMG. He'd hooked himself up to the supports, which were designed to recreate the experience of hanging in the air by their gear. After Mikasa had hoisted him up, Eren had spent the past few hours using various twisting and swinging manoeuvres to keep his body level in the gear, but kept failing. Although Mikasa admired his tenacity in persevering for so long, she was beginning to worry. Any recruits that failed the 3DMG test in the next week would be sent away immediately, deemed useless even to the military. Mikasa thought it was sad that even giving up their life wouldn't be enough; that their worth was so little, as the scum and parasites of society. She hadn't chosen to be an orphan.

Eren clung to the training rope, which allowed him to pull himself upright each time he flipped over. Steadying himself and breathing deeply, he let go of the rope. Immediately, his pelvis began to sag on the right, and Eren desperately swung his body to the left in compensation. He flailed as the 3DMG began swaying from his exaggerated movements, and tipped over despite his efforts. Mikasa watched with apprehension over the top of her book, wondering why Eren found it so difficult. It was obviously not from the lack of effort, and Eren was pretty well-built for a 13 year old. Even Sasha had been able to stay upright in the gear for a few seconds after a couple of tries, although she wasn't as at ease in it as Mikasa or Annie. If Eren failed the test, where would he go? Eren was practically an orphan now, his mother had been killed in the Shiganshina attack, and his father was nowhere to be found. Most of the military rejects ended up going back to the orphanages to serve as caregivers, or the accessory staff of the military, like the cleaners. Mikasa knew Eren would never be satisfied with a life like that. Eren hung upside down for a few seconds, exhausted. The drops of his perspiration reversed their tracks on his face, streaking into his hair, and soaking into his damp shirt. He grabbed onto the training rope again, determined to haul himself back up. It seemed much more difficult for Eren to even pull himself upright again; his muscles must have been fatigued beyond measure by this time. Mikasa decided it was time for him to take a break.

"Hey Eren, the sun will set soon. Let's go back inside!"  
"Just...1 more hour...Mikasa."  
"No way! I'll freeze when it starts to get colder."  
"Alright just 1 more try, okay?"  
"I'll help you this time."

Mikasa held on to Eren's hands as he let go of the training rope. She was forcibly reminded of how she had held on to the hands of the younger orphans as they started learning to walk, encouraging them softly as they stumbled forward. Learning to use the 3DMG was much like learning a whole new way of walking, Mikasa had had to learn to use muscles she had rarely needed. Even after a few days of training, her hips and stomach were sore from all the balancing. With Mikasa's help, Eren managed to stay up for a while, but fell the moment he released her hands. Mikasa lowered the support ropes, and helped Eren out of his 3DMG.

"I'm going to fail, aren't I?" Eren asked dejectedly. Mikasa looked at his expression, and her heart broke with the sadness she saw there. He had always wanted to join the Survey Corps, and after his mother had died and his house destroyed, entering the military had been Eren's way of focusing his pent up hurt and frustration into a productive goal. Now that goal was in danger, and for once, Eren's mindless perseverance wasn't able to overcome it.

"You'll be fine, Eren. It just takes some getting used to."  
"Yeah but how come you got the hang of it so quickly?"  
"Well is there anything in which I'm not better than you?" Mikasa teased.  
Eren looked up from his hands, breaking into a laugh. Mikasa could see the sweat lines on the side of his tanned face, and beads of water still clung to the tips of his hair. "I'll train with you again, so don't worry alright?"  
"Thanks 'Kasa, you always make me feel better."

Mikasa smiled at his use of the same nickname the matron had given her. The best part about being with Eren was making him feel better when he was upset. The light of her life had no place being shadowed by clouds, Mikasa thought.


	17. Chapter 17

Levi leaned back against the headboard, a cigarette in his hand. He probably shouldn't have been smoking, he'd heard that it ruined the body, and physical ability was paramount when fighting Titans in life-or-death situations. Still, he couldn't help himself from having a smoke once in a while, just to relax. It made him feel, just for those few minutes, that he'd put down the weights that he carried everywhere on his shoulders, and loosened the restrictions he'd placed on himself. Still, he'd need to change the bedsheets later. The cigarette ash was disgusting.

The only other thing that gave Levi some relief was here today, as well, curled up against his body. Her head was on his shoulder, her hand drawing slow circles on his chest. It had been too long since he had last seen Hange; she had returned to the city with Erwin, to defend the Survey Corps' latest failure. Levi and Hange's relationship was complex, a mixture of convenience and tenderness. He couldn't honestly say that he cared for Hange as he would a wife, and he couldn't bear to compare her to Mikasa. Yet she was a brilliant fighter in her own right, worthy of Levi's respect, and she was willing to accept this no-strings-attached arrangement. In all the rules and regulations that defined Levi's life, she was the chaos that he needed.

Levi wasn't sure why he was attracted to this woman, or even sure that he was. He just knew that her explosive, expressive manner and endless energy gave him some reprieve, in a life that was filled with fighting and killing. It had simply happened, one night, while they had been on an expedition beyond the Walls. The troops' return had been delayed after meeting a group of Titans, and they had chosen to take a long detour after losing most of their members. After months of weary traveling, living in fear and on little food, both Levi and Hange had been tired and lonely. They had never told anyone about their strange relationship, and it simply continued without a word, like this.

As a Captain, Levi had his own room, but it was looking less tidy than usual. Hange's traveling bag had been unceremoniously dumped on the floor, her belongings strewn out from when she had been rummaging through it. Her things were already everywhere; Levi could see her hair tie on the desk, her boots beside the armchair, her clothes draped over the small coffee table. While she was here, the mess didn't bother Levi. He didn't feel the need to put everything back in its place, and ensure the pristine condition of his room.

"Won't your father be upset if he knew we were together like this?" Levi broke the comfortable silence with the first thought on his mind.  
"That's why I came a night earlier than he expected me to. Tomorrow I'll move into the room I always take, as if I'd just returned from the city."  
"How was the city?"  
"It'd be better without those fat idiots that call themselves nobles."

Levi laughed, a sonorous sound that reverberated through his chest. Hange was also the only person who spoke so freely of her political opinions, and seemed to get away with it. Her expertise as a Titan fighter, and her research into killing them, were simply too good for the military to give up. Suddenly, Levi wondered what Mikasa thought of the inner city. She probably had never been there. Would she like it? Would she hate that there were people living luxurious lives while she suffered? Then again, 13 was probably too young to be filled with cynicism just yet. Levi filled with guilt again, for thinking about Mikasa. She was practically a child, and one of his recruits. No one that he should be thinking about. He had found himself wishing that Hange was her, just a while ago, but had pushed the thought out of his mind. He respected Mikasa too much for that.

"Tomorrow is the 3DMG test, right? I can't wait to see the new recruits!"  
"I'll be helping out with the testing, you can come along."  
"I would have come anyway."

Levi smiled to himself at Hange's brazenness. In some ways, she was just like her father, Hearl. Once they were fired up over something, it seemed that there was no deterring them. When Hange left the next day, she'd probably forget half her belongings, like the last time. Levi would be reminded of her presence day after day, as he found the small things she'd left behind. He'd have to remake the hospital corners of his bed, which she'd wrecked. Her hairpins would be on the sink, and a smudge of lipstick would be on his shirt. But till tomorrow, he had her all to himself.


	18. Soft hands, Strong arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by 'Father, Father', by Benjamin Kheng and Gentle Bones

The sun's rays slowly retreated, and the shadows of the 3DMG supports grew longer. The tall structures painted long, harsh slashes of black across the training compound. It seemed to Eren that the faces of all the officers and recruits around him seemed to be cast in shadow as well; all he could see were their judging eyes. Everyone's attention was focused on Eren, all waiting in silence as he laboriously righted himself again. He could see the puffs of smoke as they exhaled in the frosty air- it was an uncharacteristically cool day, (the weather was so unpredictable) and Eren shivered.

Climbing to his feet, panting, Eren looked down at his grazed hands. They were bleeding from the friction against the sandy ground of the training compound, from having gripped the rough cable that Eren was trying so desperately to hang on to. It was over, wasn't it? After all the hopes that he'd had, after all his talk of going out beyond the Walls and fighting Titans, he wasn't even worth the military's time to continue training. Any time now, one of the officers would have had enough, and they'd dismiss him from the training compound. A failure who couldn't even stay upright in the 3DMG training support. Eren brushed his hands off on his military issue pants, aware of the pain as his cuts moved over the tough fabric. One more time.

Eren tightened the loops around his gear, pulling the belts so tight that he felt the straps cutting into his thighs. Just one more time. Ignore everyone else. It was hard to concentrate, with everyone staring at Eren. All the other recruits had completed the 3DMG test without much difficulty, even Armin had managed to hold himself up despite wobbling around to balance himself. The officers had been kind enough to allow Eren to keep trying, but slowly, each recruit managed to pass, and Eren was the only one left. He was so frustrated he wanted to burst into angry tears, but Eren withheld his emotions.

A warm, soft pair of hands wrapped around his own, and gently pulled apart his clenched fists. Eren was a little surprised when pins and needles shot through his fingers as the blood returned to his palms. He'd been squeezing his hands too tightly without even noticing. Mikasa looked him in the eye, unsmiling. "You can do it Eren. I know you can." Her arms wrapped around his waist, moving his center of gravity over his hips. She kicked his legs further apart to give him a wider base, and pulled his shoulders back from their hunched position. "Keep your back straight, and your center over your base. One more time." Mikasa's arms let go of Eren's waist, and he felt his weight begin to lilt to the right.

Eren swung his left leg out, to counter the shift. Mikasa's arms were so strong, she'd managed to support his weight in the air all on her own. Now that she'd let go, Eren swayed in the slight breeze. Mikasa was always so strong and sure that Eren sometimes forgot how gentle she could be. He could feel the ghost of her hands on his, could still feel the warmth that she'd left. If only he could be more like her, athletic and decisive and beautiful all at the same time. Mikasa was so good at everything, so talented, despite her horrible past. A tragedy that she didn't deserve, and a ruined childhood that he didn't prevent. The same old guilt washed over Eren again. Why hadn't his father taken Mikasa in after the incident?

Eren was so caught up in his thoughts that he was surprised once again, in a detached way. His eyes focused on his friends, Hannah and Krista, Armin and Franz, who were cheering excitedly. Then, reality came crashing in, in the form of Eren's head cracking on the ground as he flipped right over in the 3DMG. He'd managed to stay up for a few seconds, but he'd disappointed them again. Disappointed Mikasa again. A pair of officer's boots came into Eren's upside-down view, and his heart sank further. Surely they would kick him out of the training squad now. Messy brown hair tied up in a hasty pony tail, and a pair of bespectacled, wide eyes stuck themselves into Eren's face. The female officer was new; Eren had never seen her before. She cocked her head to the side, looking at Eren in a puzzled manner. Then, clucking to herself as she shook her head, she turned and shouted across to Captain Levi.

"Yo!! Get him a new 3DMG gear!"  
"What for, Hange?"  
"Just do it!"

Bewildered, Eren let the officers hand him a new 3DMG belt, and put it on hastily. He had been so sure it was the end of his short-lived military career, but it seemed he would have one more chance. He wouldn't blow it this time. Mikasa came forward, her hands swiftly tightening his belts and loops. Eren's own hands were shaking so badly that he had been fumbling with the straps. She had beautiful hands, Mikasa. Her fingers were long and thin, like a graceful pianists' rather than a killer's. Eren took a deep breath, and as he blew it out, let go of Mikasa’s hands.

Staying upright was so ridiculously easy that Eren laughed outright. He was forcefully reminded of a story his mother used to tell him, long ago. "God asked a man to push a large and heavy rock. God said to the man, 'This is the work I have for you. You must push this rock with all your might.' The rock was bigger and taller than the man, and try as he might, the man could not move it. Day after day, the man pushed against the rock. He felt like giving up many times, but persevered, for his trust in God was great. Still, after months and months, the man could not move the rock. He became disheartened, and told God, 'I have tried to serve you, but after all this time, I have not moved the rock even an inch.' God said to the man, 'I asked you to push the rock, but not once did I tell you to move it. You have done what I asked, and your arms have grown strong, and your legs become muscled. For your obedience, you have been rewarded.'" Young Eren had been more concerned with what a 'God' was, and why people of the past had believed in it. Now, Eren saw the moral behind the story, that perseverance and hope were the key.

The officers released the rope, letting Eren down from the 3DMG support structure. He hurried to his friends, who were laughing and smiling. Eren was overjoyed that he could stay in the military, but what he wanted most at that second was to be in Mikasa's arms. Mikasa, who gave him hope. Mikasa's soft hands, strong arms.


	19. I Love You, Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by "The Longest Movie", by Jay Chou
> 
> Sorry it's been so long, exams are catching up with me.

Eren turned the corner, and although his feet were steady, his heart missed a step. Mikasa was in the library; he could see the warm glow of the lamps peeking out from the crack under the door. The cozy yellow light pooled on the black and white marble floor, fending off the darkness. The large windows to Eren's right let in only a sliver of moonlight, and Eren hadn't bothered to bring a torchlight. After all, late night meetings between recruits weren't exactly allowed. He wasn't sure what he was doing, but his legs took him towards the library anyway. After how she'd supported him through everything, he had to tell her.

He steeled his nerves as he rested a hand on the doorknob, much like he'd done all those years ago, and slowly opened the door. Mikasa was sitting in one of the couches, absorbed in a book. Her back was turned to him, but as Eren stepped through, Mikasa's head turned. Her glossy black hair fell over her shoulder as the side of her face came into view, and she smiled. Eren stopped at the door, trying to freeze the moment in time. Trying to turn the memory into ice. Even if what he said ruined everything again, he would have this image of her to keep.

He still remembered what she had looked like that night. She'd been wearing one of his old shirts, which was too large for her. It slipped off her shoulder as she turned and smiled at Eren the same way she was doing now. Mikasa had looked so vulnerable, a small girl sitting on the edge of the bed, one of his books in her hands. Her hair had been longer then, but it was still the smooth, jet black he remembered. He hadn't wanted to tell her the terrible news, not when she'd just lost her parents in such a violent manner. The young Eren had thought his parents were being violent too, in their own way. His smiling, kind-hearted parents, who were well liked in the village for being helpful. His father, who was revered as a doctor and healed the sick. How could they think to send Mikasa away to an orphanage? Still, better that it come from him first. At the very least, he would try to break the news to her in the gentlest way. He wasn't sure he trusted his parents to do that much for Mikasa anymore. His mind whirling, Eren had stared at Mikasa's fragile smile, turning it into ice.

"Forget it. It's all right." Mikasa was smiling again as she said the words, but the tears in her eyes melted and overflowed, running down her face. She laughed a little choking laugh at herself, wiping them away. "I'm not crying because I'm upset, really." The drops she'd only just wiped off were quickly replaced with fresh, hot tears. Eren could feel her sadness melting him as well, could feel the ice in his eyes melting although he was trying his best to hold it back. Then they were just two children crying together, crying for the pain of loss, and for the pain of separation. She'd only just lost her parents, she couldn't lose him too. Eren cried for the injustice of the world, and for the cruelty of fate. He cried, most of all, for Mikasa.

When the ice had run out and their tears had dried in salty streaks on their cheeks, Eren stared at Mikasa again. She looked away, unsure.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Just give me two more minutes. I'm trying to turn it into ice." She nodded as if she understood.  
"I look terrible. I've just been crying like a baby."  
"I have to remember this. Not just you smiling, but this, too."

Eren snapped back to the present, and walked forward. Just like the last time, he'd try to break it to her in the gentlest way possible. He approached the back of her chair, the taste of shame in his mouth. Slowly, he wrapped his, no- Mikasa's, red scarf around her neck. Mikasa kept still, stunned.

"I thought I'd lost it."  
"I found it on the way back from the party, in the alley. Looks like we took the same shortcut."

Eren's throat burned with shame, guilt, and the words he wanted to say. How did he tell her how sorry he was, that his family had thrown her out of their house so unceremoniously? How did he tell her that he had never forgotten, that he had always wanted to meet her again? How did he tell her she had been all he had dreamed of since the day she had left? 

"Mikasa, I...I love you."

The words hung in the air, as Mikasa turned to face him. Eren was half relieved he had said it, half mortified and desperately wishing to take it back. Someone who had abandoned her once didn't deserve to love her, Eren thought. Someone as strong and tough as Mikasa, who had survived everything life had thrown her way, should have better than a person like him. Eren had known who she was the moment he set eyes on Mikasa, but throughout their training had been too ashamed to face up to what he had done. She hadn't seemed to remember him, and so Eren had played along, feigning ignorance. Then she had made him fall in love with her all over again, and he couldn't help himself. He was as helpless as he had been as a child, and he loved her. If she chose to turn away from him again, Eren deserved it. Maybe he'd wake up the next morning, and find that she had walked out of his life once more. His parents would return, talking and laughing, as if they weren't monsters, too. He'd kick and scream and wail, but Mikasa wouldn't come back. Mikasa, come back. Mikasa, please love me back.

"Please, Mikasa. Say you love me too."


	20. Say You Love Me 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year has passed since Eren told Mikasa he loved her, and they are coming to the end of their 2 year training stint. When the time comes to choose their future path, will Eren and Mikasa choose each other again?

The sun was at its peak, and Mikasa panted heavily as she finished the last lap of the race, Reiner close at her heels. Summer had finally found its foothold, and the heat beat unabashedly down on the backs of the recruits. Her lungs were burning, but Mikasa wasn't going to let Reiner pass her when she was so close to victory. The route straightened out into a direct path, and Mikasa caught a glimpse of the military officer leaning against a tree, trying to get under its scrimpy shade. Mikasa closed her eyes; she could hear Reiner's heavy breathing just a few paces behind her. She gathered her strength for a final burst of energy, getting ready to drive her legs across the finish line-

Mikasa blinked. She felt her body slowing to a halt. The finish line was no longer in sight, it was...behind her? Mikasa turned, and saw Reiner still trying to catch up, heaving and panting as he finally crossed the white marking on the floor. He flung himself onto the ground, trying to catch his breath, the perspiration from his short, blond hair dying the sandy ground a darker hue. Finally, he grudgingly looked at Mikasa.

"Seems like I've still got a ways to catch up to you."   
"We both did well," Mikasa said. "Only, I did better than you", she teased.

Mikasa sidestepped with a laugh as Reiner took a swipe at her ankles. She looked down the path to where it disappeared into the grove of nearby trees. None of the other recruits were even close to finishing the race yet. Mikasa frowned; the officer standing by the finishing line was taking down their timings, and it would be troublesome if Eren didn't arrive soon. As part of their graduation, Instructor Shadis had devised a punishing testing regime to decide the top 10 who would be able to apply to the Military Police Brigade. In the preceding months, the recruits would undergo various tests involving hand to hand combat, marathon running, 3DMG use, equipment maintenance, and strategy planning. Their scores would then determine their placement in the Long Distance Scouting Formation devised by Commander Erwin. In the last month of their training, they would go on a mock mission using the formation and rated on their abilities. Naturally, those at the wings would have more opportunities to demonstrate their Titan killing abilities and aptitude, but higher chances of 'dying'. Recruits at the center of the formation would be able to show their critical planning skills, yet fewer Titan encounters would mean they were less likely to be faulted for being 'injured' or 'dead'. It was a stressful time for the 104th squad as everyone tried to outdo the others to have a shot at being in the center of the formation. Or at least...almost everyone.

Bertolt came into view, as did Annie and Jean. Bertolt and Jean were running at their limits, huffing as they sprinted across the last stretch of the path. Both of them seemed to somehow have lost their shirts somewhere along the marathon, and the sweat glistened on their bare, tanned skin. Annie, who had been just behind Bertolt, seemed to slow just a little as they crossed the short distance, coming in 5th. Soon, the others caught up as well, with Marco and Connie taunting Sasha as they jogged across the finish line.

"Just a little more, potato girl!"  
"Shut up, baldy!"

Mikasa looked around, a slight crease in their forehead as she counted the number of recruits who had already arrived. Including Sasha, who had just crossed the finish line and was already wolfing down a steamed potato she had produced from her jacket, that made 8. If Eren didn't appear soon, he wouldn't make it into the top 10 for the race either. He hadn't done well on the strategising test a fortnight ago either, and Mikasa began to worry that he would not make it into the top 10 at all. It would be their safest bet to join the Military Police, and live within Wall Sina where the Titans were unlikely to be. She looked up as four shadows detached themselves from the darkness of the grove and came into view...but they weren't Eren either. Krista and Hannah were jogging along, both looking haggard but still smiling. Franz followed behind them, keeping his eyes on Hannah. Finally, Ymir was the last of the four, running at almost a languid pace. She looked down and kept to herself, so Mikasa hadn't spoken to her much, but in the past year Ymir and Krista seemed to have formed a deep friendship.

Then...Eren.

The unforgiving sun had made quick work of him, and Eren's thick brown hair was damp, forming spikes where the perspiration gathered and dripped on to his soaked shirt. He was pulling Armin along, dragging him by an arm, desperately running and hauling and wrenching. Mikasa stepped forward, maybe if she helped Armin, Eren could finish the race quickly. There were still a few recruits behind; if Eren sped up, he could keep his lead. But...Mikasa lowered her hand, unsure. Eren might not want her assistance.

Mikasa turned around, looking away from Eren and the other recruits. She wiped away the perspiration that rolled down her cheeks, leaving the tang of salt in her nose.


	21. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

The paper was smooth beneath her hand. Mikasa fingered the edges of the sheets absentmindedly, her eyes staring unfocused at the words that swam on the page. She let out a sigh and tried to read the same paragraph over again, before finally squeezing her eyes shut. Mikasa really needed to study the 3DMG maintenance procedure again. She felt her brows come together of their own accord, and the skin between them crinkle. The darkness behind her eyelids wasn't absolute- the sunlight forced its way through the library's expansive glass windows and turned the world a flat, hazy red. 

Mikasa had let things go too far. She had kept her mouth shut for too long, and now, she wasn't sure if her words would save anything at all. At the marathon last week, Mikasa had stayed silent as Eren and Armin had stumbled past the finishing line. She had held herself back, afraid. Had it been weeks? Or months? Eren had slowly distanced himself from her, stepping away from his shadow. He would get in line for dinner, just as Mikasa arrived with both their meals. Or if Mikasa offered to show him how to improve his slashes, Eren would nod vaguely and continue practicing solo. Just a few weeks ago, Mikasa had offered to help him study for the strategy test and met with an annoyed dismissal instead. She kept quiet, thinking it was an isolated incident, or he had simply been in a bad mood, and she would simply be ready to aid him the next time. Still, his continual rebuffs had finally clicked in Mikasa's head, and made her hesitate at the marathon. Eren had looked past her, dragging Armin along doggedly. Had he wanted her to help? Or would she have been shrugged off again? Did he need her this time?

It tormented her. Mikasa was confused; no matter how long she spent lying awake in her bunk at night, she could not figure out what she had done wrong. Her mind had replayed every scenario in which she might have offended him, or if she had let him down in any way. Since the Boy had saved her life so many years ago, she had committed herself to protecting him, supporting him, and loving him. Now, it seemed that the Boy she had held on to for so long did not want her around. Mikasa had trudged through the dark corridors of the orphanage for years; the hope of seeing the Boy again had been her light at the end of the tunnel.

Mikasa flinched. The piece of paper she had been fiddling with fell to the ground, rocking back and forth, back and forth, before finally landing silently on the carpeted ground. Mikasa nursed her finger, sucking on the paper cut. It was only a tiny wound, but Mikasa knew it would hurt later as she wielded her swords during training. She quietly decided to confront Eren about his strange behaviour, and receive an answer once and for all. No matter the pain his words might bring her, it would be better than being fixated on these thoughts, her mind running back and forth between dread and despair. She steeled herself; after all, the answer could only be this. Eren was taking back his words from a year ago. Eren no longer loved her.

The muffled footsteps were soft on the library's carpeted ground, but Mikasa heard them anyway. They made their way to the couch opposite Mikasa, and there was a rustle of heavy fabric as their owner settled in. A heavy thud as a book was placed on the table between them, then the crisp sound of paper being flipped.

Mikasa opened her eyes and squinted. Her eyes hurt from the bright light.

Eren looked away.


End file.
